Talks with Patricio post-Mecha Nationals. Wish I could have busted that trip. Listening to my body is hard. Though my mind and heart want to, I needed to stay. My body craved some rest, and busting a 2 hour mission to and back would have been way too much. Be more open with the parents about wants and needs. Though, I may bump heads with them a lot… they will understand me a little tiny bit better. They know I’m crazy, but they should know why. Its not all in vain, there’s so much of their own struggles in life that have been unintentionally passed on to me. Transgenerational trauma. I need to heal, and help heal. But first, I need to heal.
I really am in LOVE. In deep.
I know I’ve been doing it for almost a year, but sometimes I wonder how is it done? I get super impatient waiting around for the day he comes. Perhaps, its because I live at home and doing things for myself seems so foreign and sometimes criticized by my parents. I refrain from doing things that make me truly happy. I understand I need to grow up, but lemme do it on my own. Maybe I should just move out? Ya ni se.
the 9-5 gig is cramping my youthful living. no concerts on weekdays. what what? Missing out on Yasiin Bey last night…. and I knew that he was coming… pero it hurts to know that you missed out on it when your friends post pictures up of their presence at the show. Oh wells. Pa la proxima.
The more I try to remember what it felt to have a place of my own, the more difficult it seems to recall. I remember the mess I had all the time. The piles of blankets I needed to warm myself up at night when he wasn’t there to cuddle. The freedom to be naked and examine my movement without questioning, embarrassment, censorship.
I think I chose well in moving back home with my parents. I think I’m choosing well in moving out too. It seems very surreal to have that in mind, but I think its the best move for me at the moment.
Its not for the sake of sanity but rather for my own happiness. Living with my family has been great overall. I cannot blame them for my self-restraint. They never wished for that. I miss feeling independent tho. It seems like the strangest thing to move out of my parents home when so many of my friends remain in their families’ home. I feel like I’m stepping into unchartered territory. Pioneering in an experience I had never conceived. To live in Los Angeles, but not in my parents home. Its a contradiction, no? It’ll be better tho. I have a few months to prepare for that moment. A few months to enjoy everyday home-cooked meals, watching novelas with my mom every night, coming home to warm hearts.
Moving out is moving on. Going forward. I need to grow. I can’t grow at home. I learn at snails pace, and right now I just need to learn at my own pace. In my own time. In my own space.
COMMON: Man, I know I’m in love when I think about her a lot and I’m finding ways to get to that person. Even though I gotta work, even though I gotta take care of other responsibilities, I’m like yo, when am I gonna fly out and see that person? I look forward to seeing…
My days as a lazy bum are slowly coming to an end. I don’t think I was much of a lazy bum tho. Perhaps, I was more along the lines of a bed bum hustler. I applied to many jobs and some I did get some call backs for… they just weren’t right.
I applied to so many DIFFERENT jobs that I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted in life anymore. My drive: gone. I just understood that this process of applying and rejection would be continual and contingent on mi suerte. Where was I meant to be. I find myself in little Pico Rivera, my parents home, wondering what tomorrow will be like.
Unlike many momentous events in my life, this one seems like something on my to-do list. I don’t feel excited or motivated. I don’t feel nervous. I don’t expect anything. It feels like I’m going to work at cal perfs as an usher again. I hated that job tho I loved a lot of the people I worked with. I have some good memories, free concerts, lectures, etc. But I still hated the physical exhaustion I would experience every night after a shift.
That same feeling I got for that job, I am getting now. I wonder, how will this job work out for me. I’ve delayed my job search for the last 2 weeks. That excitement that I had for a job in education has died along with my drive. I’m feeling lost and confused.
All I want to do is live. Quiero vivir de la vida, no dejar que la vida viva de mi.
1 month testrun. sighssss